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UIRC recently hosted Utah's First Annual Infertility Conference on October 29, 2016 at the Karen Gail Miller Conference Center in Sandy, UT. The conference was a huge success with 230 in attendance. We received a lot of positive feedback from our vendors, speakers and attendees and we are already planning next year's event. The conference opened with former Mrs. Utah, Tiffany Alleman, sharing her story about how she has been able to navigate the world of infertility and pregnancy loss. Along with her story, she shared some bits of wisdom with the audience, including the fact that "Infertility is part of you, NOT all of you." Attendees stated that "Tiffany’s experiences, while heartbreaking, were something many of us could identify with. I’m grateful she was willing to share her story." "Tiffany was very inspirational & funny. She gave a real ‘human’ perspective that gives hope & understanding." The conference also featured a lunch panel titled "Pathways to Parenthood." The panel featured various individuals who have navigated different paths of family building when traditional paths didn't work out. The panel featured perspectives on egg/sperm donation, embryo adoption, using a gestational carrier, adoption through foster care, living childless, and domestic infant adoption. Although each panel member had a different path and outcome, all stated that they were happy and at peace. Our attendees said: "You really were able to find people from every experience with every outcome who were all happy & gave hope...They were living proof of the conference theme - their stories were all different but there were all happy & where they wanted to be.” "It’s so great to hear the variety of experiences and see the many ways families were created." Other highlights from the conference include the advocacy session taught by UIRC's Brooke Walrath. She shared tips on how to tell your story in a way that will compel others to listen. She was joined by Senator Luz Escamilla who struggled with infertility herself and discussed her perspective on constituents reaching out to their legislators. One attendee said, "Loved having senators come to take time out to give support.” UIRC's Whitney Barrell presented on supporting your partner during infertility. Her interactive session focused on the differences between how men and women cope and offered insights on how to be supportive. "Whitney did a wonderful presentation. She has a great energy and made it fun, funny for the audience & couples while still addressing the seriousness of infertility & navigating your relationship w/your spouse during infertility." Dr. Dierdre Conway presented on how to improve your health for infertility treatments and gave wonderful information on what lifestyle choices you can make to optimize success. “Loved learning more about lifestyle changes and improving fertility outcomes. Dr. Conway was very knowledgeable.” Other sessions at the conference included: Understanding the Trauma of Infertility  by counselors Jamie Hales & Kelsey Redd Financing for Family Building by UIRC's Melanie Jordan Introduction to Infertility Treatments by RCC’S Dr. Blauer Acupuncture & Chinese Medicine by Bea Hammond and Lisa Andrade Male Infertility by Dr. James Craig and Dr. Tim Jenkins Coping with Miscarriage & Recurrent Loss During Infertility by counselor Monica Ashton Moving to Adoption by adoption caseworker, Kim Perry 3rd Party Panel Discussion Doctor Meet & Greet featuring Dr. Hatasaka, Dr. Gilliland, Dr. Gurtcheff, Dr. Dorais, Dr. Johnstone, and Dr. Stanford The conference concluded with several giveaways, including three $1000 fertility treatment vouchers, an adoption home study and many more prizes. Overall we received very positive feedback about this year's conference and we are looking forward to next year's conference currently scheduled for Saturday, September 23rd, 2017! See you then! #InfertilityServices #InfertilityConference #Events

By Aupera Van Huizen My husband and I are highschool sweethearts. We knew from the moment that we saw each other that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I instantly became a believer of love at first sight, soulmates, all that mushy, romantic movie stuff. We talked about kids early in our relationship, but we were young and had plenty of time to wait. It never crossed our minds that it might be difficult. A pregnancy never happened the conventional way even with a few years of trying. We really wanted kids, so we met with my OB who ran some basic tests and sent us to a urologist. We were then informed that we would be unsuccessful getting pregnant on our own. We were referred to Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine where we were told, based on our diagnoses, our only option was IVF with ICSI. We did one cycle of IVF that was canceled prior to retrieval. We were devastated. We saved for years to pay for that cycle and we were left with nothing. We did learn that I had diminished ovarian reserve and would need to try again with a more aggressive medication stimulation. Shortly after our canceled IVF cycle we were asked to take in my niece and nephew while their parents got their lives together. So we decided to put our fertility treatments on hold until we knew what was going to happen with them. A year and a half later we legally adopted both of them. A few months later we were ready to try IVF with ICSI again. In June 2010, we transferred 2 blastocysts. And on July 3, 2010 we found out we were pregnant with twins. I had very minimal morning sickness and everything was going great until 19 weeks. I was scheduled for a routine ultrasound to make sure that both babies had all their organs and make sure they were growing well. This wasn’t the first ultrasound and wouldn’t be the last. With twins, the doctors tend to do multiple ultrasounds. During the ultrasound, the technician took a long time checking out both babies. She checked baby B first and was telling us all the organs she was seeing and she told us that baby B was a girl! Then she started checking baby A. She became a little quiet and stopped answering our questions. I knew that something wasn’t right when she told us that she needed to go get the doctor to help her. That was the point that I knew for certain there was something wrong. My chest tightened, my stomach turned, it felt as though there was a rock in my throat. Then the tears escaped my eyes and rolling down the side of my face. There was something wrong with the baby that I had waited many years for. The baby I had prayed many times for. The doctor came in and checked out both babies then sat me up. He then told us that there was a problem with baby A. He had very little amniotic fluid. This could mean one of three things; I needed to drink more water, I had ruptured a membrane and was leaking fluid, or that the baby didn’t have any kidneys. He assured me that the baby had kidneys. He verified it on the ultrasound. He sent me home with a lot of hope that all would be well in the end. I knew, deep down that it wasn’t going to be, but I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and stayed optimistic. I had already been drinking tons of water during the pregnancy but I still increased my water intake after that ultrasound. I was put on modified bedrest, meaning, I was to sit as much as possible, minimize my walking, and no bending over. Over the next 17 weeks, we continued seeing my OB every week and having a high level ultrasound every 2 weeks. I met with seven different perinatologists, all of whom were baffled by my baby A. The fluid levels never got higher. The baby continued to grow normally. I was not having any complications. They all saw kidneys at every ultrasound. I was ultimately told that my baby would probably need help breathing at first but that in the end the baby would be fine. On February 11, 2011, at 36 weeks pregnant, I walked into the hospital for a scheduled c-section. In the back of my mind I knew my life would never be the same and not because I was about to be caring for two babies. They never were able to tell me the sex of baby A but I knew in my heart that baby A was a boy. My twins were born and they immediately took them to the nursery. Rayden Zachary was 6 pounds 9 ounces. Raylin Rose was 5 pounds 3 ounces. Rayden, who had no fluid, was not ‘pinking’ up. They decided to transport him to Primary Children's Hospital about 30 minutes from the hospital I was in. They did bring him in to see me before they left, mainly because they needed my signature to transport him. Rayden was in an incubator and I was able to touch him but not hold him. They were in my room for a total of 2 minutes. I sent my husband with him so he wouldn’t be alone. About an hour later my husband called to tell me that they had done an ultrasound on our son and he, in fact, did not have any kidneys. My heart was crushed! I had done research and I knew exactly what that meant. My son was going to die before I ever got the chance to hold him. Rayden had what is called Potter's Syndrome. His kidneys never developed which meant he did not urinate and therefore had no amniotic fluid. The amniotic fluid is what helps develop the lungs and since he didn’t have much, his lungs were severely underdeveloped. This condition is incompatible with life. Shortly after the phone call about the diagnosis my husband called again. This time to let me know that they were taking him off the ventilator. His poor body was giving out and they thought it was best to let him go. I said goodbye to my son on speaker phone. I told him it was ok and that I loved him. My husband and I cried together, over the phone, each of us holding a baby. Rayden died due to pulmonary hypotension as a result of bilateral renal agenesis. They did bring his body back to me that night. I was able to hold him, kiss him, have his pictures taken. His life was brief, 4 hours, but the mark he left in my heart will remain for eternity. He will always be my baby boy. His twin sister, Raylin, is now five and a half. She started kindergarten a few months ago. It has been very difficult to watch her reach milestones and not have her twin brother next to her. He came into this world with her. He stayed long enough to make sure she would be safe. Then he returned home to his Heavenly Father. She knows about him and talks about him often. She is not shy about telling people she is a twin. I pray that the connection and love of her brother remains for the rest of her life. Once a twin, always a twin. We celebrate his life every year by doing random acts of kindness. We have donated trees to the Festival of Trees that benefits Primary Children’s Hospital. We had one tree that raised just under $10,000 in his memory. We collect items to take to the children's hospital also. Rayden’s picture can be found in almost every room of our home and in all our family pictures. He will forever be a part of our family. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Every year we light a candle for Rayden and all the other babies that have gone too soon. I believe that they are watching over us and as each house lights a candle at 7pm, it creates a wave of light around the world. All the Angels in Heaven can see that they are loved and missed. Aupera Van Huizen is the Director of Support Services for Utah Infertility Resource Center #AuperVanHuizen #MyStory #PregnancyAndInfantLoss

This article was originally written by UIRC's executive director, Camille Hawkins, for Art of Infertility's blog. The original article can be found here. I was recently part of a discussion in a “Pregnancy & Parenting after Infertility” Support group. The question was posed: Would you change the fact that you struggled with infertility? How would life be different if I didn’t struggle with infertility? Even though this was the most difficult experience of my entire life, would I change it? It brought more heart ache, more tears, took more energy, and also more money than any other trial I’ve faced. The consensus as each group member deeply reflected on this question was a resounding no. If you would have asked each of them in the heat of the struggle, the answer would have been different. But the common theme was that they had gained so much from their infertility journey, and there were still some very difficult parts about it, but they wouldn’t trade it. My husband and I met at Utah State University in 2007. Once married, we waited a year to start trying to have a baby. We quickly learned it wouldn’t come easy. After 5 years of tracking monthly cycles, timed intercourse, surgery, fertility medications, injections, intra-uterine inseminations, in vitro fertilizations, a miscarriage, and being completely broken down emotionally, we became parents to two beautiful girls through the miracle of adoption. Becoming a mom was the best day of my entire life. I will never forget that feeling. Even though my life is now consumed of changing diapers, making bottles, and rocking crying babies during the night, my infertility will always be a part of me. My diagnosis makes it so I will always be infertile. The wound of infertility may be healed in my heart, but the scar will always be there as a reminder of all I went through to get my girls. This journey has shaped my life more than anything else has. It helped me be the best mom I could be. Here are 5 ways my infertility struggles taught me to be a great mom to my daughters. 1. Peace – coming to accept my situation was difficult and took a lot of time and energy. I had to grieve every time I had a failed cycle, a failed treatment, grieve the death of my embryos, and the loss of my only pregnancy. I had to grieve having a biological child –the one I always dreamed of looking just like my darling husband. As a woman, I had to grieve not being able to experience pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, and the things I was raised to most closely associate with womanhood. Through this process, frustration and resentment for my imperfect body eventually turned to peace and acceptance. I learned that things aren’t going to be perfect in life, but I can still be okay. I will teach my daughters their bodies are unique and special, and don’t have to be perfect in order to be beautiful. I will help them find peace and acceptance with the situations they find themselves in so they can look for the happiness and joy that surrounds them. 2. Balance – I grew up in a culture that taught my most important and divine role would be that of a mother. Everything should revolve around that role, even my education, my career choices, everything. When I realized I was unable to conform to that norm, I was forced to either sit around and do nothing while the time passed, or do something productive with my time. I decided to get a master’s degree in social work and begin a career in counseling. I worked at a nonprofit community mental health center helping children heal from trauma. I volunteered with an organization running kids grief groups. I fell in love with my husband over and over again, traveled the world, and I became a dog mom, enjoying the beautiful outdoors hiking with my two retrievers. Infertility tends to consume you completely, like a black hole. The lows were the lowest I could ever imagine. Learning to keep balance in my life was crucial to surviving the black hole of infertility, and I’m learning that balance as a mom is crucial to being the best mom I can be to my daughters. I would like my daughters to have balance in their lives too, and to know it’s okay to be lots of things, to do lots of things, and most importantly to take care of themselves. 3. Patience – Infertility makes you wait…….and wait……..and wait some more. It makes you cry night after night, feeling hopeless and that all is lost. False hope is sometimes the only thing you have left. I learned that things don’t work out necessarily in the way I expect, but it’s possible for them to work out in some way. My mom told me I was a very impatient child. I wanted things NOW! Patience is something I was forced into learning through my infertility journey. Now as a mother, patience is my saving grace. Motherhood is not easy; I never said it was going to be. Having patience shoved down my throat during infertility has allowed me to see things in motherhood through a different lens. I can make it through my baby’s crying spell. I can make it through my daughter refusing to sleep throughout the night. I can make it through two babies crying at once……Infertility helped me learn the patience for these moments. 4. Appreciation – When you yearn for a child, you yearn for the good and the bad. Being a mother isn’t easy, but I realize I appreciate all the moments so much more than I would have because I worked so hard to get there. My girls will grow up knowing how much they were wanted, how much they were sought for, and how special they are. I know I am so lucky, so blessed, and so fortunate to be “Mamma” to my sweet baby girls. I have so much gratitude for their birth families for entrusting us to raise these little girls. 5. Determination –I have met many women who struggle with infertility and I have found that these are some of the strongest women in the world. My husband and I experienced failure month after month, year after year, and still we pressed on. We did this because family is so important to us and we would not stop until we became parents. I learned I can do hard things, and my daughters will learn they can do hard things too. When I face failure and frustrations in motherhood, I remind myself of the obstacles I have overcome and rely on that strength to get me through hard times. The journey of infertility is treacherous. No one deserves the pain that comes from an inability to get or remain pregnant when that is their deepest desire. The wound of infertility often runs deep. But there is hope. There is a lot we can learn. And we can have tremendous growth which can prepare us to be great parents when that glorious day finally comes. Camille Hawkins, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is the executive director of Utah Infertility Resource Center. #adoption #advice #CamilleHawkinsLCSW #education #ParentingAfterInfertility

On May 10, 2016, four representatives from Utah Infertility Resource Center traveled to Washington, DC, to participate in RESOLVE's annual Advocacy Day. We learned more about the way  government works, how to present the issues we're passionate about, and the importance of advocacy, and we want to keep this ball rolling, so let's talk about Advocacy Day and what it means. What is Advocacy Day? Advocacy Day is an event hosted by RESOLVE where the infertility community comes together in Washington D.C. to talk to Members of Congress about important issues, like increased access to family building options and financial relief. This year there were over 200 advocates from 27 states in attendance. Why Did UIRC Attend? As the only nonprofit in Utah dedicated to addressing the mental, emotional, and social aspects of infertility, we felt that it was important for us to be there in person speak with our nation’s leaders on behalf of those in our state facing the challenges of infertility. Who went? With the help of our generous sponsors, we were able to send a total of four representatives from UIRC: Camille Hawkins, Executive Director; Brooke Walrath, Director of Education; Seth Finlinson, Board of Directors; and Sara Nichols, Board of Directors. We also had a volunteer attend with us. Next year, we will be looking for additional volunteers who would like to join UIRC to attend advocacy day. What did you do at Advocacy Day? We flew into D.C. on a Tuesday afternoon and quickly found our hotel to change and get ready for the welcome reception. We walked to the Senate Building where we met other advocates from around the country. Resolve then presented Hero Awards to two veterans who had been injured in the war and are now suffering from infertility due to their injuries, and recognized another who had received the Hero Award recently at another RESOLVE event. The morning of Advocacy Day we headed over to the National Press Club to attend the morning training. Here we got our appointment schedules for the day and heard from some inspirational speakers including Representative Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) who lost both her legs serving in Iraq as a Blackhawk helicoptor pilot. We then took a taxi to our first appointment. Our schedule was full with meetings between the Senate and House buildings. We walked back and forth through security each time underneath the capital building through the tunnels to make our different appointments. Who did you meet with? There are six legislators in Washington, DC, from Utah. Throughout the day, we met with staffers from the offices of Senators Orrin Hatch and Mike Lee and Representatives Chris Stewart, Mia Love, and Rob Bishop. At the end of our meeting with Rep. Stewart's staffer, we were able to chat for a moment with the Representative himself and learned that infertility has affected his family. As we did not have anyone who lives in Representative Jason Chaffetz's district with us, we were unable to schedule a meeting with him, but we were able to deliver letters from his constituents directly to his office and have an impromptu chat with his staff. We were also able to meet Mike Lee in person a little later in the day for his weekly "Jell-O" open house. His office actually makes green Jell-O and you can come eat some and talk to the Senator. Was it even effective if you only met with staffers? Each legislator has a number of staffers who divide up tasks of researching, running the office, and taking meetings with constituents and others. They are a part of the legislative process, and they counsel the legislator on what to vote for or against and why. Of course, the final decisions are always with the Senators and Representatives, but they rely on their staffers to give them the information they need to make the call. What did you talk to them about? We had three specific issues to address with each office we visited: First was infertility treatment coverage for veterans. With advancement in reproductive technology, many families are having success with treatments, but there is still zero infertility coverage for veterans--even if they have come home with injuries that are causing them to be infertile. The VA covers every medical aspect related to combat injuries except for infertility, in many cases effectively crushing veterans' dreams of having a family. We asked each office to support a handful of bills that will aid Veterans trying to start families, the biggest and most effective of which is the Women Veterans and Families Health Services Act (S469/HR3365). Second, we talked about Adoption Tax Credit Refundability. The Adoption Tax Credit has been around in some form or another for a long time, and was made permanent a couple of years ago.Thing is, as a credit, it only benefits families who owe a lot in taxes--generally more wealthy families. Families in lower tax brackets only really benefit from a credit like this if it is refundable, and it was in 2010 and 2011. We asked them to support making the tax credit permanently refundable. Finally, we asked the offices to support and work towards implementing the CDC's National Action Plan for Infertility. This plan was created in 2014 but will require a lot of effort to start educating the public, and our legislators in DC can have a lot of influence over what we talk about on the national level. What were the outcomes? Leaving Capitol Hill that day, our feet were tired but we were excited. Our meetings had gone well and we felt heard. We don't know all of the effects our meetings will have on the people we spoke to, but just a week after we were there, Senator Hatch voted "Yea" with 88 other Senators to pass HR 2577--a bill which carries an amendment that will fund IVF for veterans for two years. This is one of the smaller things we advocated for, but we celebrated this small victory alongside RESOLVE last Thursday. We were able to meet and interact with a number of other infertility advocates from across the nation at the receptions and training held by RESOLVE. It felt incredible to sit in a packed room at the National Press Club and look around at more than 200 people who were excited and motivated to talk about infertility. Usually, infertility is an isolating disease. It makes you feel like no one else could ever understand what you're going through. It's awfully hard to feel alone in a room of 200+ people who care just as much about infertility as you do. Last but not least, we all left with a better understanding of the legislative process at the federal level, and we are excited to start working here in Utah on changes to improve legislation that affects those of us with infertility here in the state. What can I do to get involved? If you're interested in advocacy at the federal level, join us next May in Washington, DC. We had a great experience and we can't wait to do it again next year. If you're interested in advocacy here in Utah, we are forming an advocacy committee. Contact Brooke Walrath at brooke@uirc.info to join, and help us create a plan for better infertility conditions and coverage at the state level. #advocacy #awareness #BrookeWalrathBA #resolve #UIRC #UtahLawmakers #WashingtonDC

Infertility isn't easy. No one claims it is, but we don't talk enough about just how hard it can be on a person. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. As you deal with it, you ask yourself: Sure, I’m dealing with infertility, but do I really need counseling? No, counseling certainly isn’t a requirement. Many women and men navigate the murky and tumultuous waters of infertility on their own, often with the support of others. But some of us need more. We might hesitate to seek extra help because of the stigma attached to therapy and mental health issues. Many of my clients have started our sessions with statements such as “I thought counseling was for crazy people.” It’s time to reframe this idea. Utah Infertility Resource Center is opening its doors to women and men who would like to try one-on-one counseling. Offering mental health services to those dealing with infertility has been part of our mission from the beginning. Counseling is for anyone who notices that their thoughts and feelings about infertility are negatively impacting their day-to-day life. Perhaps that means you find it difficult to focus at work. You may notice thoughts are constantly leading back to, “when will I become a parent? Will it ever happen?” Perhaps when you’re with friends and the topic turns to children and parenting, you feel yourself squirming in your seat and a knot rises in your throat. You may start avoiding those friends. Maybe you are irritable and angry with your partner or you can’t get out of that “funk.” The friend you’ve typically relied on just doesn’t understand infertility. Maybe a peer support group is more your style. Being around women who have walked the same path is incredibly validating. You might be thinking—a support group? Do we hold hands and stuff? Not typically. Honestly, when you sit in a room with women and notice all of their heads are nodding as you tell your story, it feels like home. Perhaps you’re willing to give therapy a try, but you wonder about the cost. UIRC offers a sliding fee scale, which means we review your income and the amount of money you’ve spent on infertility treatment or other family building paths. Then we agree on the amount you’ll pay to see a counselor. If you’re on the fence, give us a call or send us an email. We can answer your questions and help you determine whether therapy is for you. We know how it feels. All of us at UIRC have experienced infertility and we’d love to help you find a way back to your old self again. Click here to make an appointment. #CopingSkills #Counseling #InfertilityCounseling #InfertilityServices #WhitneyBarrellLCSW

Right from the beginning, UIRC was about support, education, and awareness. Having been through the process ourselves, we all understood how hard it is to find information, resources, and support. Our Executive Director, Camille Hawkins, came up with an idea to reach out to those looking for help: a face-to-face meeting where someone who has been through the process can talk to you about what you are up against. Voilà: Educational Consultations were born. Together, Camille, Aupera Van Huizen, and Brooke Walrath researched, developed a program, and created a booklet of information that covers the basics of infertility, treatments, adoption, emotional support, and treatment support. We have also compiled lists of local resources that you can use to guide you on your infertility journey. We know it isn't easy, and we're here to help. Now we are pleased to announce that our Educational Consultations are up and running. If you have questions or concerns about infertility and would like to sit down with a caring staff member who knows and understands what you're facing, click here to set up an appointment. Right now our consultations take place at our office in Salt Lake City, and we suggest a donation of $25 although the service is free of charge. #Education #EducationalConsultations #EmotionalSupport #InfertilityServices

This article was originally published on KUTV on February 29, 2016 and can be found here (KUTV) About 3 million couples are affected by infertility in America every year. In Utah, a very family-focused state, a diagnosis of infertility can be devastating. Many women facing that news can feel alone because they often don't want to share the struggle that they may never have children. That's how it was for Krystal Larsen. She married her husband 8 years ago and wanted to start creating a family within the first year. But when months of trying to get pregnant went nowhere, she turned to doctors. "I always had this picture in my head of what I wanted; I wanted to be a mom," Krystal explained. But her doctor diagnosed her with PCOS, Polycystic ovary syndrome, which is a common endocrine system disorder that can cause infertility. "I felt that, this is my fault," Krystal said. "I'm the reason why we can't have babies or a family." They started IVF treatments and at one point suffered an ectopic pregnancy. "I was just not a happy person. I felt like I wanted to talk to people," she explained. That's how many couples struggling with infertility can feel, and in the past there haven't been very many options for support and resources in Utah. But now a new organization is giving those women support and hope. It's called the Utah Infertility Resource Center, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping couples struggling with infertility. Camille Van Wagoner Hawkins recognized the need for the center when she and her husband also struggled with infertility. "After my husband and I went through our first In Vitro cycle and that ended in a miscarriage, I was completely broken down emotionally," said Camille, LCSW. Just 5 years ago, there was only a support group on Facebook, and Camille realized there was a need for much more in Utah. "There was nowhere for these people to turn and say, 'I'm having a hard time'," she explained. "Utah needed an organization dedicated to the mental, emotional and social aspects of infertility." That's why she helped organize the resource center with the help of other local women. Emotional support is a big part of the center, but organizers are also dedicated to helping change the future for couples struggling with infertility. For those families, cost is one of the biggest hurdles. An IVF cycle can cost around $15,000, but it doesn't always work and insurance doesn't cover it. "Utah is not a great state to live in if you're dealing with infertility. You don't have mandated infertility insurance," explains Brooke Walrath, education director of the Utah Infertility Resource Center. That's why the center is making it a mission to raise awareness, and that includes talking to Utah lawmakers about infertility struggles. The center also offers monthly support meetings for local women, and they're hoping to expand. That support helped Krystal when she needed it. "It was just a safe place where I could open up and say, I'm struggling this month," Krystal explained. After two IVF treatments, Krystal and her husband were able to have a little boy, who is almost 3 years old now. But she said even after having her son, she still struggled. "It was so, so super hard, and after I had my son my infertility didn't go away, I knew I wanted more kids," she said. Krystal went through 2 more rounds of IVF treatments, and she's now 28 weeks pregnant with her second child. And now, she's sharing a message of hope. "I just want to tell people you're not alone," she said. The Utah Infertility Resource Center is planning an open house welcome night on Saturday, March 5th, 2016. For more information, visit the Utah Infertility Resource Center.

Alice and Jenny have been best friends since second grade. They graduated high school together, roomed together in college, and even got married in the same year. Alice loves having Jenny and her husband over for dinner and Jenny always calls Alice for advice. When two pink lines appeared on her home pregnancy test, Jenny immediately invited Alice over to surprise her with the good news. Alice’s reaction surprised Jenny-instead of sharing in her excitement, she looked like someone had punched her in the stomach, then burst into tears. Alice revealed that she was struggling with infertility and said she needed some time alone. Both were left feeling upset and confused, wondering what the future holds for their relationship. Does this story sound familiar? With 1 in 8 couples struggling with infertility, chances are someone you care about is having trouble getting (or staying) pregnant. Maybe it’s your brother or sister, your son or daughter, your best friend, your neighbor, or your coworker. No matter the connection, infertility can put a strain on any relationship. Infertility is often the most difficult experience couples face, especially in a family-focused culture. The negative aspects of infertility can impact every part of someone’s life. Unfortunately, the general consensus is that unless you’ve been through it, you really can’t understand what it’s like. So how can you be a friend to someone who is struggling with something you don’t understand? What not to do A quick google search of “Infertility Etiquette” will reveal list after list of “what not to do.” While those lists are important, constantly being told what not to do can make you feel hesitant to reach out. Many actually avoid their friend in fear of doing the wrong thing, which can make things worse. What you can do While not every relationship will survive the strain, it is possible for you to be supportive and loving to someone you care about with infertility. Your friend cares about you and appreciates your love and support. It’s important to remember that every person has individual circumstances and needs. What will work for one may not work for another. A great place to start is by asking them how you can support them. Additionally, many people who have personally walked the path of infertility suggested the following things “to do.” Mourn with Them The losses experienced with infertility have been compared to a death. Just as you would mourn with someone after the death of their loved one, those struggling with infertility want you to mourn with them. One woman said: "I would say what someone experiencing infertility needs the most is someone to mourn with them. Don't worry too much about having the perfect thing to say because that doesn't exist. Just let them know you are sorry they are hurting." Other ways that you can show you care include crying together, going on walks together, making treats for them, or anything that lets them know you’re thinking about them. Many people who experience infertility suffer miscarriages or the loss of an infant. It is important to acknowledge the loss. "If a miscarriage occurs, even if it might be uncomfortable, please be there for them. Don't act like it didn't happen” “If they have suffered a miscarriage, it's nice to remember dates (due date, date of miscarriage) so you can reach out and let them know you're thinking of them. I had a friend do that for me and it meant so much to me that someone cared.” Listen. Just listen Often times, when someone shares their struggles with us, our natural response is to try to “fix” their problem. While it can be appropriate to share tips and advice, it is best to wait until it is asked for. Many people with infertility agree, the most supportive people just listened. “My Mom never told me what to do, she just listened. Everyone else tries to fix it even when they don't know how.” “The most supportive thing my best friend does is just to listen. She doesn't suggest things I should or shouldn't do or make me feel like it's my fault.” Respect their Boundaries All healthy relationships have boundaries, but your friend with infertility may seem to have a lot of new boundaries. Respecting their boundaries keeps them feeling safe and is vital to maintaining a relationship with them. Common things those struggling with infertility may need to avoid are talking about babies and pregnancy, public pregnancy announcements, attending child-centric events such as baby showers or birthday parties, babysitting, and sharing details about their infertility. “My best friends only bring up their babies if I bring them up first, and they are supportive when it comes to the next steps in my infertility journey.” “My friend called to tell me she was pregnant and said that while she was so excited she knew I must be hurting and understood why.” “Pregnancy and Parenting can be challenging and feelings of frustration are valid. However, you wouldn’t complain about your mother to someone who’s mother has just passed away, give your infertile friend the same consideration.” Reach Out to Them Infertility can make you feel isolated from the rest of the world. It seems like everyone else is progressing in their lives, having families, and leaving you behind. Making the effort to reach out to your friend will show them you that care and support them, and that they aren’t forgotten. “My oldest friend calls me once a week to see how I am doing, how I am feeling, or if I need anything such as projects or even to pick up a coffee when I'm too sick or supposed to be on bed rest.” “My friend went out of her way to ask how I was doing on mother's day.” “Sometimes, it's nice if someone just asks if you are holding up okay.” Infertility involves a lot of waiting and sometimes distractions are key to survival. Invite your friend to do fun things with you. “My mom spent time with me doing activities, decorating my house, going to plays, playing games with me, inviting us over for dinner.” “Please don't be offended if I decline to do something with little kids, and please keep inviting me. I need to know that you care.” Be Honest and Realistic We all have been told  the story of someone who was told they would never get pregnant and then had eight babies. While everyone hopes for a miracle, what your friend really needs is for you to acknowledge that things may not work out for them in the way they hoped and everything might not “be okay.” Many people said they appreciated when their friends and family told them they did not understand what they were going through, but that they loved them and wanted to support them. Have Empathy and Validate their feelings If you want to better understand what it means to have empathy, this video will do just that. In the video, Dr Brené Brown states that an emphatic response rarely starts with the words, "At least..." and that oftentimes, the best response is, "I don't know what to say, but I am really glad you told me.” When asked about people who were supportive, people with infertility said the following: “My friend listened and let me know it was ok to feel the way I feel.” “Don't try to fix what’s broken, just validate our feelings. Let us know it is okay to cry.” “My mom just let me feel how I do without judging me or trying to fix it." “Don't try to find a reason for the infertility or fix it. Just be kind.” Be Patient and Open Minded Infertile couples can find themselves facing difficult decisions and in situations they never imagined, often while taking medications that cause drastic changes in hormone levels-resulting in heightened emotional states. Additionally, coping with infertility can mean eliminating things that trigger you with overwhelming grief. While it may be hard to understand why they do the things they do, your friend needs you to be patient and withhold judgement. “She didn't judge me when I decided it was best to take a break from church.” "When we decided not to do fertility treatments and to adopt instead, my sister gave us her full support." Conclusion While this is not a comprehensive list of ways to support a loved one with infertility, it’s a good place to start. The most important thing is to let them know you are trying your best and that you care about them. If you are able to be a friend to someone with infertility, chances are your friendship will endure. M'Recia Seegmiller, SSW, is UIRC's Director of Awareness #advice #CopingSkills #FriendsOfInfertility #HowTO #MReciaSeegmillerSSW

Article Originally Published on KSL on January 14, 2016 and can be found here SALT LAKE CITY — Ashley and Jake both grew up in Utah, married young at age 23, graduated from college, began their careers and dreamed of a future with multiple children. A year after their wedding, they began trying to conceive. Month after heartbreaking month, the pregnancy tests were negative. Pregnancy announcements from friends and family started getting harder to celebrate. Reality began to set in, and with it came the realization that they would need to seek medical help in order to grow their family. Jake felt like less of a man due to infertility and didn't share his experience with anyone. Ashley felt like less of a woman because she had always imagined herself as a mother. She began to sink into a dark depression, feeling like she was losing sight of her lifelong dream of motherhood Friends and family meant well, but a once exciting question now stung. When would they start a family? Four years, many invasive treatments, a failed adoption and thousands of dollars later, Ashley and Jake remain childless. Ashley and Jake's story is not uncommon. They are among the one in eight couples that struggle with infertility. Individuals in every corner of the world experience infertility, but a Utahn struggling with infertility is likely to experience some unique complicating factors. As with any experience, infertility is colored by a person's culture, beliefs, community values, and the like. For example, a woman suffering from infertility in Manhattan may have different experiences, levels of support or feelings about infertility than those experiencing infertility here in Utah. Interestingly, close to 5 percent of all pregnancies in Utah result from some form of fertility treatment. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently released birth statistics from a number of states, and Utah scored at the top of the list: A higher percentage of Utah residents receive fertility treatment than in the other states included in the study. How are Utahns experiencing infertility? Which emotional aspects are related to our local culture and which are not? One local nonprofit organization wanted to know more. Infertility by the numbers The Utah Infertility Resource Center (UIRC), a newly established nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting those with infertility, has gathered data from local respondents by posting a survey among various infertility, parenting after infertility and adoption online support groups. UIRC compiled data from 152 respondents (97 percent of whom were women) reviewing age, income, length of time trying to conceive, infertility treatments, symptoms of grief, depression, anxiety and resources individuals relied on for support. Of the respondents, 55 percent have children (the majority have one child) and 45 percent do not have children. Of those with children, 35 percent had children who were conceived with no medical intervention, 31 percent had children through IVF (in-vitro fertilization), 24 percent had adopted infants, 19 percent had children with the help of fertility medication, 10 percent had participated in foster care adoptions and 7 percent had children resulting from IUI (intrauterine insemination). Fertility Treatment Procedures in 2013 | HealthGrove Almost half of those surveyed reported experiencing miscarriages, stillbirths or loss of child. The median time trying to conceive was three to four years. Interestingly, 85 percent of respondents reported that Utah's family focused culture influenced their infertility journey. Although respondents did not report specifically how it had impacted their experience, respondents may feel increased pressure to have a family or have a large family. The average age nationally of when a woman delivers her first child is 26. Utah's average is slightly younger, 25.1. Woman in their 30s may feel "left behind" by peers or siblings. Utah also has the highest fertility rate in the nation, that is, 2.6 children for every one mother, meaning that Utah families are the largest in the country. Living in a state with these statistics and being the outlier undoubtedly has an emotional impact on couples who are experiencing infertility. It is also likely that couples are seeking fertility treatment earlier (in their 20s and 30s) whereas couples in larger metropolitan areas where the cultural expectations differ, are likely seeking fertility treatment later (40s). What infertility feels like UIRC was interested to know how respondents experienced the emotional side of infertility. A common theme was isolation. Many respondents reported that they didn't share their infertility diagnosis or treatment with anyone for the first several months. When they were diagnosed, one-third of respondents didn't know anyone who had struggled with infertility, and half of respondents waited two years or more to reach out to others who were also suffering from infertility. Respondents reported their most common emotions as sadness followed by frustration, anger, emptiness, hopelessness, depression, fear and despair. The majority of respondents reported extreme anxiety. We know from broader studies that women experiencing infertility have significant levels of distress, equivalent to those facing life-threatening diseases such as cancer. Consider that 75 percent of local respondents reported that infertility was the most upsetting event of their life. Barriers to treatment It is clear that the experience of infertility has an emotional impact on couples. UIRC was interested to explore barriers to creating a family. Researchers found some interesting trends, many of which are likely true of individuals across the country. Respondents reported cost as the most significant barrier to accessing infertility treatment. Infertility treatment is, for the most part, not covered by insurance, and couples are often left to cover the costs on their own. Local respondents with an average annual income of $60,000 reported spending an average of $10,000 to $15,000 on fertility treatments. The cost of treatment is a serious problem and impediment for most. Respondents reported feelings of grief and loss as the second largest barrier to infertility treatment. The emotional toll often leaves couples stifled, either unable to make a decision or emotionally overwhelmed by the options. Reaching out for support Many respondents were unsure where to seek support services for infertility, such as support groups or individual counseling. More than half were interested in attending a support group but weren't aware of one in their area. And, although many had considered individual therapy, cost continued to be a barrier. Many couples found support in online fertility-focused support groups. Finding support for any emotional obstacle is useful but perhaps — and the research seems to suggest — seeking support concerning infertility could also improve pregnancy outcomes. A study completed by Alice D. Domar, a psychologist at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston and director of mind-body services at Boston IVF, concluded that women who were taught stress-reduction techniques, such as mindfulness-based meditation or cognitive restructuring, had improved outcomes related to conception. Domar said, "There's something about practicing relaxation techniques or being with other women who understand what you're going through, probably a combination of everything, that makes a difference. It isn't just about relaxing." She further explains that "in some cases her symptoms and prognosis improve" when "you treat a woman's mind as well as her body." Regardless, "almost without exception she feels better and can cope more effectively with her condition." UIRC is using the foregoing and other data to develop programs to support those who experience infertility. These programs include support groups, sliding fee scale therapy, informational events, community awareness and advocacy. UIRC is excited to bridge the gap of services for those struggling to build their families. Utah couples like Ashley and Jake will now have greater access to education and support for the mental, emotional and social effects of infertility. UIRC's opening night celebration on March 5, 2016, will introduce Utahns to local resources and support services for those experiencing infertility

This post was written by our Clinical Directory,Whitney Barrell, LCSW. The original post can be found on her website, here. Last year you were sitting in the same spot in your home, looking at your tree and thinking to yourself, maybe next year I’ll be sitting here holding a baby. But, then the year goes by and it’s Christmas again and your arms are heavy with the sadness that only infertility can bring. The holidays are child-centric. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas engender images of rosy-cheeked children with their families. Because of this, it can be a difficult time for those of us trying to conceive. It can feel lonely. It can feel sad and isolating, in particular when there is an unsaid expectation that this is “the most wonderful time of the year.” The questions you know they’ll ask Holidays can be tricky with family members. Infertility is rarely understood by those who don’t experience it. Everyone has a version of great-aunt Sue who always asks “when are you going to give your parents some grandchildren?” If you haven’t discussed your infertility with family members you are bound to get some of these questions. This doesn’t mean that you are required to let your family know the details of every last test you’ve undergone. But, it is useful to have a response ready such as “that’s something were looking forward to in the future” or “it’s not as easy for everyone to get pregnant as you may think. We are working on building our family with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist.” Likewise, you aren’t required to share information with family members if you aren’t comfortable, discussing with your partner what you’d like to share and with whom may be helpful. New traditions, and opting out of old ones You may consider getting out of town or doing something alone with just your partner. If it’s painful to go to your sister's house and watch your nieces and nephews open presents, don’t do it. You could suggest just arriving for brunch or dinner. Before the event occurs picture yourself at the family party and feel it out: Does it feel forced? Are you holding back tears? Give yourself the gift of permission and self-acceptance this year. If it’s painful to try to carry on like nothing is wrong, don’t do it. Gratitude and service Remember the reason for the season. Although cliche, it does change our perspectives when we are able to provide service or time to someone who needs it. Infertility is all-encompassing and it’s easy to feel enveloped in grief. Consider spending some time with an aged relative or volunteering in your community. Not only will it help others, but it will also provide you with the realization that although you are struggling to build your family, you have a house over your head, food and access to health care. If you are passionate about infertility and have an interest in advocacy, UIRC is always seeking volunteers. Give yourself a break, you are grieving This one is most important. All of the clients I see need to be reminded that perhaps they don’t feel as happy as they used to or don’t have that sparkle in their eyes because they are grieving. Infertility isn’t seen, you can’t point to a broken arm and say “this is why I’m upset,” but it’s there. You are grieving the loss of a dream. You are grieving the idea that your life would be a certain way. Many of my clients say that they always imagined themselves as parents and with infertility it’s out of your control. No matter how hard you work at it, how much you want it, those things don’t calculate like they might when you’ve worked toward other goals. This is frustrating and makes us feel helpless and beaten down. Now is the time to practice good self-care, to be aware that you might not have the emotional strength to hold it together like you normally can. That’s OK, that’s honest. Be kind to yourself. Lastly, the holidays will eventually come to an end. The best thing you can do is be prepared, know what your limits are and set a calendar in place that honors where you are emotionally this year. And somehow, hold onto hope for next. Whitney Barrell, LCSW is a mental health therapist who has both clinical and personal experience with infertility. She works with couples and individuals to navigate difficult treatment decisions, improve communication about family building and heal from the grief and loss that is often profound in infertility. Find out more: www.whitneybarrellcounseling.com #Christmas #Clinical #CopingSkills #Holidays #Service #WhitneyBarrellLCSW

Ashley and Jake both grew up in Utah, married young at age 23, graduated from college, landed great jobs and dreamed of a future with five children. A year after their wedding, they began trying to conceive. Month after heartbreaking month, the pregnancy tests were negative. Pregnancy announcements from friends and family started getting harder to celebrate. Reality began to set in, and with it the realization that they would need medical help in order to grow their family. Jake felt like less of a man for not being able to get his wife pregnant. Ashley felt like less of a woman, wondering what her purpose in life must be if she couldn’t be a mom. She began to sink into a dark depression, feeling like she was losing sight of her lifelong dream of having kids. Friends and family meant well, but the question now stung: When would they start a family? Four years, many invasive treatments, a failed adoption and thousands of dollars later, Ashley and Jake are still childless. They are the one in eight. One of every eight couples look like everyone else, but they face issues the others may never understand. The Ashleys and Jakes of the world may share their secret in hopes of finding support, or they may choose to keep it to themselves, perhaps hoping it’ll go away if they don’t discuss it. One of every eight couples struggles with infertility, and many of them feel entirely alone. A recent survey of 152 individuals in Utah with infertility showed that 75% of respondents believe infertility to be the most upsetting event of their life. Additionally, research has shown that women with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, heart disease, and HIV+ status. Many couples don’t know where to go for support, counseling, or treatment related to infertility. It is still a taboo topic in most circles, making it harder for those with infertility to feel like they have someone to turn to. At the Footsteps for Fertility 5K event earlier this year in Salt Lake City where couples can win grants towards fertility treatments, UIRC’s founder, Camille, looked around and realized there was nowhere to go for infertility support. There were hundreds gathered because they were facing infertility and there was nowhere to turn and say, “I’m having a hard time. Can you help?” We founded the Utah Infertility Resource Center in an effort to help these couples and their friends and family and bring awareness to those not currently affected by infertility. As a nonprofit run by women who have struggled or are presently struggling with infertility, we bring understanding to a condition that is too often misunderstood. Using our own experiences as a foundation, we are building a safe space where couples can turn for education consultations, support groups across the state, and counseling services. UIRC bridges the gap for these struggling families. We also offer educational events to support the infertility community. We will bring awareness to those who don’t know about infertility through online awareness, community events, and advocacy. Offering these services in Utah will benefit our community as a whole and weaken the taboo surrounding infertility.We believe that we can fill this gap in Utah, and this is just our beginning. We look forward to becoming a permanent fixture so we can serve the emotional and social needs of the infertility community in Utah for years to come To learn more, like us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/utahinfertilityresourcecenter/ and visit our website at http://www.utahinfertilityresourcecenter.org/ Feel free to contact us about opportunities for involvement or to help us spread the word. We are a registered charitable organization in the state of Utah pending 501c3 status. #History #InfertilityStatistics #InfertilityServices #UIRC